the following post is detailed…and may be too much. please use caution in reading, especially if your heart is tender…God bless you…
12:30 am…our evening nurse came in with the second dose of cytotec. her name was misty, and she wore a familiar cute pink bow in her hair: it was the same style that my sister jess bought us bridesmaids. one of our dear friends is named misty, so nurse misty held a sweet place in our hearts…simply by her name. blood pressure and pulse taken, pillows adjusted, and i/v fluid levels checked. ryan was sleeping really lightly, and i missed being able to fall asleep in his arms, soothed by the rhythm of his breathing. sleep came eventually, as my mind finally tired of playing out scenarios of how and when Sarah would be born. the cedarwood and sacred frankincense in the diffuser sure helped induce rest.
4:45 am…i awoke when misty came back into our room with more medicine. this time, my mind refused to stir through the questions and simply speculate on their answers. she sweetly sat on the corner of my bed, and answered the “hard” questions (all the questions are hard when you’re facing an impending miscarriage). The first miscarriage was at home, and the second one happened at school…we were much further along in the pregnancy this time…and circumstances were inherently different. we discussed the size of our daughter (palm-size or smaller) and how her skin would be extremely delicate. the things kinsey had suggested doing…hand and footprints…photos…whether or not to have our daughters come meet their baby sister. we even discussed the really hard questions: since our babe was over 16 weeks, we would have to select a funeral home. talk about burial vs. cremation. decide what to do now and how to move forward. without even knowing exactly what the dominos looked like. i don’t think a ton of sleep happened after this talk…
8:30 am…contractions are getting much stronger now. depending on how i’m positioned in the bed, sometimes they’re two-three minutes apart. definitely stronger. definitely more frequent. pretty sure this is when i asked for i/v pain meds. the essential oil blend and deep relief roll-on weren’t enough to soothe my racing heart and help numb the pain of that hospital bed. *note to self* look into a doula if/when we’re pregnant again. i didn’t want to wake up ryan, nor did i want to keep pestering the nurse. although the Holy Spirit was very much alive in that room, overwhelming sadness came over me as i started to weep. i cried because my present situation was the furthest thing from what i had expected it would be. what i had joined together with so many—in prayers and hopes for—was crumbling. and the tears fell…
my mind came back to something i’ve heard my Lord speak for about 2 months now. “i’m a God of LOVE, not of loss.” but why??? how??? You know how desperately we’ve prayed for a different outcome…You promised this one would be different. It’s SO not the different that works for us, God. Why us, why now, why this??
every question brought only more questions…the answers would have to wait.
9:45 am…the girls came up to see us. oh my Heavens: my heart soared seeing these precious daughters of ours. smiles a’plenty and outpouring of love. they brought up drawings they had made and a beautiful floral arrangement. the excitement was over way too quickly as my water broke. this was getting real. and all too scary. Come, Lord Jesus…though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will not fear. You alone comfort me…though thousands fall about us, near us they shall not come. Phil 4:13 —Jer 29:11 — Rom 8:28
we said our goodbyes…our “see ya laters!” and “we love yous!” emme took the girls home, and mimi and daddy stayed with your mama.
11 am…the i/v fluids were starting to make me feel like i was about to burst, so i paged my nurse and asked “shall i try and go to the bathroom myself, or do you want to help me get there?” i felt as though i was going to have an accident. she arrived in our room, gave me the option of a bedpan (which i WILL say…i was a sport about…but i tried and failed miserably). helping me get disconnected and upright, she was so patient. the second i sat down in the bathroom, relief washed over me as i assumed i was able to pee.
upon feeling something much different, i let out a startled cry. “what’s wrong?” the nurse asked as she came right in. “what i felt was not urine” i exclaimed. “just breathe” she replied, and continued “it’s probably just clots since you’ve been laying down so long. now then. let’s get you back into bed.”
pretty sure around this time i was dilated to about a 3. the pain medicine was really kicking in, and i was exhausted.
12:30 pm…deacon paul and father robert came in. deacon paul came over to the bedside, tears in his eyes, knelt down and pressed his palm cross into my hand and kissed my cheek. he was to have baptized our daughter…when she was born right before Christmas. we exchanged tears for words. neither of us could speak, just weep.
i don’t know how long i drifted in and out of sleep. gosh i felt so rude falling asleep with company, but i needed to be cradled by the safety of my slumbering cocoon. when i woke up, father robert gave us communion. goodness, i wish i remembered the reading, the prayers he spoke, the hope and peace i felt in those moments…
soon after they left, dr. c came back in to check on our situation. she requested an ultrasound machine, which the nurses promptly rolled in.
it was time. unlike our other deliveries, i had my eyes closed as tears leaked out from both sides. mimi held my left hand & your daddy held my right hand. my lips quietly recited the Hail Mary, Our Father and Glory Be, as my rosary and palm cross rested upon my chest. when my eyes did flutter open, i heard our doctor say “umbilical cord” and that was it…before she got really quiet and continued speaking to the nurse.
or maybe my ears just stopped working because of God’s grace.
after a short time, dr. c stood up from her stool, and looked into my eyes as she began speaking to my heart: “i see umbilical cord, but don’t see your baby.” ***what i simply couldn’t compute in that moment was the “clots” that i believed were passed around 11…in reality, that was our daughter, born and baptized within the same breath***
she continued “you’re losing a ton of blood. over a liter. there’s still quite a bit of debris, placenta, tissue, etc…we need to quickly get you into surgery. anesthesiology will be up right away to speak with you. we’re operating on this floor instead of going to another o/r…any questions?”
“please,” i thought “just knock me out. let me sleep and escape the anguish, the torment i feel right now. the past 48 hours have been hell. i know our Daughter is now an Angel, a Saint residing in Mary’s lap. let’s get my body under control and turn the page. start a new book. erase the pain and saturate with peace!”
i’m pretty sure dr. c came back to see me after the surgery, but i don’t remember much of anything. what i do remember makes me giggle.
someone, either a nurse or my o/b, told me “we had to stand you on your head in there. because your blood pressure tanked!” how they said it was, i’m sure, was much more tactfully than i can recall. but i distinctly remember my response “oh great! i was a competitive gymnast growing up…on my head is probably my most comfortable position. we were just working with our daughters and teaching them headstands!” God can pour humor into a situation in magnificent ways!
another humorous bit came from the mouth of anaya…”you know what mama? i think we should just put this whole baby thing on hold for awhile!” words of wisdom, sweet child, you’ve got ’em!
our daughter’s made it safely Home. thanks to the prayers of our warriors, the love of so many, and the skilled hands and hearts of our medical team. praise BE to our Lord, King and Savior. SarahJane Love endured no sickness here on earth, no sadness, no discrimination, no tears, no confrontations, no accidents, no want, no pain, no fears, no sorrow.
instead, she dances with her big brother Isaac, sister Gracelee. she breathes in the fresh scent of spring in the morning, delighting in the soft grass under her feet and nature’s lullaby all around her. she loves to sing like her mama, and her serenade is perfectly in tune with the Angels and Saints. she has curly, auburn hair, two dimples, and a heart of gold.
she’s ours. she’s His. and my—oh my—she is LOVE.