oh bambino. you’re a day shy of twelve weeks. actually, an hour shy of it. this week has been nuts, but I have to tell you about our O/B appointment last week. it was a monday. daddy was going to work after our visit, so we drove two separate cars. God bless us, for this appointment was in blue springs. that office just runs at a more relaxed pace, and doesn’t ever seem as chaotic as the lees summit one. maybe it’s because it was the first appointment…maybe it’s because that is how it always is there…or maybe because our Redeemer knew that this stillness was what our hearts and minds needed to embrace.
it was fun seeing Dr.C. got to tell her that we met her BEAUTIFUL mother, Mildred, at a chance occurrence meeting two days before in aldi’s parking lot. she lit up, because her mama had told her about meeting one of her patients, she just didn’t remember my name. i got to say “thank you, for doing an amazing job and raising such a fun-loving, compassionate, intelligent daughter of the KING!” pretty cool conversation i couldn’t imagine was going to happen when i awoke that morning.
so back to the appointment. Dr. C asked me for my questions, which i zipped through, pleased with all of her answers. as i laid back to have her find your heartbeat with the doppler, watching her eyes and desperately pleading with you to cooperate, my hope was dimming quickly.
it was one of those times i dreaded, for it reminded me of your sister Gracelee’s 12 week appointment and ultrasound back in October or November. i’ll never forget your daddy’s words that day…”babydoll, she looked so perfect. but she just wasn’t moving…” as he trailed off. turns out, her heartbeat had stopped around 10.5 weeks. we don’t know why she had to go, but do fully know she’s dancing in Heaven, with the joyous anticipation of your birth!
with YOU, however, Dr. C said, as she patiently searched around “i keep hearing traces of the heartbeat…but can’t get a constant one. remember. you’re really early still.” and what she said next as she helped me up…”alicia, it pains me to say this. i gave it the college try. you need to go to ultrasound. now.” daddy didn’t hear her, so she repeated: “she has to go for an ultrasound, quickly” i prayed we wouldn’t have to go back to the place where we’d gotten an ultrasound with isaac, but she told me we were to go wherever Sara could get us in quickly.
so to the office we went. prayers said the whole way. daddy leading me in his car because i was numb, once again guarding my heart. walked in, ashen faced and faith tank running on “e.” God gently prompted me to get my Rosary out, and keep it in my right hand. told the tech i had been saving my bladder until after the appt, so she let me do the regular sonogram first instead of the internal method. whew.
weird, the things i noticed…i complimented her on her pretty haircut and color. another detail that vividly spoke to me was how she turned on the big tv…RIGHT away. with Isaac, she specifically said “i never turn on the big screen until i verify everything is ok. as she sat down, she made the remark “i see this all the time. small baby, because of young age. VERY active baby.”
well, precious child, let. me. tell. you! the twists and turns looked like little ab crunches. perform for us that day in that moment…you DID! i halfway joked with the tech: “can we please stay and watch her all day?” she frankly replied “no. you may not.” forgive me for calling you her. if you are, in fact, a he. we love you, we love you, we love you!
just eight more weeks before we can confirm for your sisters the truth they know already in their sweet lil’ hearts. at dinner each night, and bedtime prayers too, we pray for babies and the gift of new life. God hears, you know. and ANSWERS. we rest in the awareness of who He is.
when we did last years retreat, a guided meditation was offered. then it was repeated at a wings scripture study meeting a few weeks later. it upsets me that i thought at the time “i’ve already heard this, how could it possibly bless me.” course, i had a lousy attitude that morning, because i had woken up spotting, and was awaiting the doctor’s call. our presenter asked “what is Jesus saying to you? right now, here in this quiet, peaceful place?” He spoke these words to me: Rest in ME, as I ABIDE in YOU…
it finally hit me. just like the part of the Our Father “forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive others.” we expect to be proportionally forgiven with the same measure of forgiveness we extend to other people. so last night, more than a year later, it finally clicked. God calls us to rest in Him ALWAYS…fully knowing He ALWAYS abides in us. proportionally the more we rest willingly, the better we serve Our King!
goodnight, bella boo. we love you, and God does TOO!