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masks & makeup

those of you that have been on planes before are familiar with the reminder “put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting one on your children.” i do, quite readily, remind others to do this. lately though, i’ve not done the best job of heeding the advice.

when i’ve felt well in the past, putting on makeup in the morning has been a treat. it’s something that i don’t do for the girls, for my husband or friends.

it’s. just. for. me. because it’s therapeutic; my self-esteem gets a boost in the process. those of you who’ve been following our journey know that over a period of 13 months, we’ve said goodbye to three babies before we met them.

getting out of bed and merely finding a smile when discussing the losses with others was my makeup.

or so i thought.

it turns out the pain was becoming embedded deeper and deeper. an ugly little thing called denial, i now believe. friends and family would offer such HUGE comfort through food, hugs, prayers, love. we would gratefully receive…and then, through the passing of time…i would again lose sight of the bigger picture.

the perspective of God includes: these sweet babes are healthy, whole, dancing and singing, in the forever Kingdom.

the lies of the enemy whisper or shout: you’re not good enough. if you had kept your stress level at bay, you would be with your babies now. blah, blah, blah. some days it was easier than others to tune him out, but he preys on fear and his number one goal is to separate us from our faith…the most precious treasure God bestows upon us.

two weeks ago was a black abyss. by far, the most traumatic culmination of depression, anxiety, lies, fear, aching, fatigue and pain. that period of 5 days when i was separated from those i love and live for, taught me a great deal. reminded me of truth. friends and family stepped in as prayer warriors and pulled me through what felt like my darkest hour.

the medicines are getting adjusted, and supplement was started on friday to address the mthfr. bit by bit i’m working through reentry mode. mom came in town to help out. when i at long last got back home, she shared many pearls of wisdom and encouragement. her friend from cornerstone taught her this simple self-test. before we ever say yes to a commitment, big or small, pray for discernment and ask “Appointed or Anointed?”

if we’re appointing ourself to yet one more thing that surely ‘won’t take too much time’ or will certainly ‘help change the world’…we simply need to ask “am i appointing myself to this, or is God anointing me for this?” typically, the self-appointments create a stressful mess, whereas the divine anointing comes bathed in His perfect peace, timing, and truth.

for the last three-ish years, i was setting things into motion to homeschool our girls. most times when i thought about it, i would get excited thinking about the possibilities. but on some level, i was also getting stressed about the unknown, seduced by the father of lies.

it was when that big red stop sign was before me that i had to admit to my beloved “i can’t do this. i need you to enroll her.” and off came that hat with a wave of relief.

God comforted me with HUGE blessings once i agreed to submit to Him, and i’d love to share those with you.

1) one of our daughter’s bff’s, connor, ‘happens’ to be in her class. he stepped up to the plate and helped show her around the first day. they now sit at the same table everyday.

2) this summer we had a two-day dance camp. two of the maybe twelve girls in that dance camp also ‘happen’ to be in her class. they ‘happen’ to have the same names as two of her cousins. one, ella, has a super-talented mama who does awesome marketing for rachel house, a ministry near a dear to our hearts.

3) her bus driver ‘happens’ to be a very positive gentleman daddy and i worked with for confirmation one year.

4) her teacher ‘happens’ to attend church with the woman who helped with our second vbs experience this summer. she ‘happened’ to boldly pray for our family in small group with this woman, at which point they made the connections. wherever two or more gather in His Name…

5) another friend from mops, and one from the Chamber’s Young Professionals (many years and many babies ago) both have kiddos in the same classroom.

my sweet, sweet friend susan—who you’ve read about in several posts now—agreed to call another friend with mops, explained to her what was going on before i could talk freely about it, and helped me remove the ‘craft lady’ hat. another wave of relief from ‘one more thing’ i had eagerly appointed myself to.

the peace which surpasses all human understanding can only come from the Lord. when a glimmer of doubt arises, He’s so faithful to highlight these important confirmations that this IS His way. this IS the Season in which i’m anointed to let our “little” girl spread her wings and start to fly. when she tells us, three days in “you really don’t have to walk me to the bus,” her confidence shines through and confirms: right place, right time. blessings all around.

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